Monday, December 31, 2012

A Note

Dear Someone,

I am sorry for all the things I have said. 
I am sorry for causing you pain and suffering.
I am sorry for your fear and regrets.
I am sorry for the time we have wasted.
I am sorry for not trying hard enough.
I am sorry for not being strong enough not to cry.
I am sorry for not being able to hate.
I am sorry to keep on hoping.
I am sorry for making you try so hard.
I am sorry for all the disappointment.
I am sorry for remembering too much.
I am sorry for being unforgiving.

I am thankful for the lesson and wisdom.
I am thankful for the roses, the books and all the gifts.
I am thankful for the kind words and good wishes. 
I am thankful for every poem ever written for me.
I am thankful for the efforts and appreciation.
I am thankful for the memories.

I am sorry and thankful for everything.

Yours truly,


Wit: This is all you fault!

Love: Oh yeah, now you are blaming me for everything, you were the one who encouraged her to admit my existence.

Wit: I was merely helping her to find Happiness. I thought you’ll make Happiness stay. That was what I heard about you.

Happiness: Someone says my name?

Love: Damn you smug. Where have you been, I thought you were dead or something, I always like you more than Sadness but too bad you are always missing. See how things turned out when you keep going away.

Happiness: If I’m always around, people won’t appreciate me. Plus I need a break too sometimes.

Love: You’re taking too long, now it’s too late. I don’t see where you fit in anymore  her life is a total disaster. And by the way Wit, I did make her happy, right Happiness? I made you stay around for eight hundred and forty eight days minus the days when Infidelity crept in but you did hang around didn't you Happiness?

Happiness: Well, I guess I did. By the way guys, I am on a holiday, and this talk does not interest me. And Love, mind if I remind you, we never had an agreement that I should always hang around. I’ll come by when it’s convenient. Take care, guys!

Wit: Hey you moron! Urgh, how arrogant! And you Love, you made her a fool. I bet Happiness would come around with or without you.

Love: Oh yeah, so tell me, was it lack of love or lack of wit that makes a person foolish? You should stop pointing finger at me and admit that you were not doing your job. Perhaps you had been sleeping all this while. Slackers!

Wit: How dare you call me slackers?! I was right about you, you are not to be trusted. I doubted at first, but seeing how you made her smile and gallant for six unbelievable months, I trusted you Love. Then in August, you broke my trust, but the thing you did in December, you know, you made her wildest dream came true, which was something I couldn't do. I gave you another chance. But here you are again, hurting her like never before. I shouldn't have trusted you ever nor should I give you any chance.

Love: I’m sorry it turned out this way. I was strong but not always.

Wit: I think you should leave her alone. I would have to take control of her without your interference.

Love: I’m afraid I can’t.

Wit: What?

Love: Don’t you know Wit? Our species are worse than a curse, once we get a hold on someone’s heart. We could never leave, unless the person herself leaves this world.

Wit: Have some mercy Love. You can’t wait until she’s dead. Although I do not know how much time is left for her in this world, but I can’t let her sink deeper than the state she’s in now. She is already at her worst. And please take both good friends of yours along, Pain and Sadness. You guys can’t do this to her.

Love: It is not that I want to do it. Once a person admits my existence, I exist forever. I know that I am not helping her at this moment, but who knows what tomorrow might bring…

Wit: Woe! Stop that nonsense! I know where you are getting at… Don’t you dare bringing up Hope into our talk. I loathe him more than anything else in this world.

Love: Why are you so bitter with Hope, you guys should talk less about facts and you know… just make peace. And Wit, I think there is something you don’t understand…

Wit: I'm Wit and I understand everything. Only, I should have trusted myself not you. And don’t you dare to defend Hope. He has an equal share of this problem and whereabouts is he now when we need him the most? Disappeared like ghost!

Love: Okay okay, no more Hope but here’s the thing; you don’t understand me and I don’t blame you. Now listen. I am not my whole self. We were made in halves; you are talking to only half of me.

Wit: So where’s the other half?

Love: He’s dead. When I am not a whole, the parts where we used to connect turns edgy and there is where Pain and Sadness dwell. They are both cancerous, and they’ll hurt her mercilessly and I can’t stop them or do anything because I'm not whole and I don’t have any power as a half.

Wit: So your other half was with the other person? How can you be so sure he’s dead?

Love: I can feel it.

Wit: Urgh, you and your feeling, for God’s sake for once, can’t you just think?

Love: If I were made to think, I would've been called Wit. I think that’s your job.

Wit: Your sarcasm is not helping the situation. But wait. Didn't you just say that you other half died? So you can’t leave but you can… you know… die…

Love: So you’re expecting me to kill myself? Haha…

Wit: I know it’s too much to ask but…

Love: No, we can’t commit suicide. Not that I don’t want to, I really wish I could, I don’t see a reason for my existence but we were not made with the ability to put an end to our life.

Wit: How did he die then, your other half?

Love: He was murdered.

Wit: What? Well, that’s not unusual actually. Some of my comrades where murdered by Stupidity. Oh wait, did Stupidity murder him too? I thought you were at peace with Stupidity, rumour has it that he is trying to get close to you. That’s creepy you know.

Love: It wasn't him for God’s sake. Why can’t people see it that I've got nothing to do with Stupidity. Anyways, it was Fear that murdered my other half.

Wit: Oh! Well that’s scary…But if I talk to Fear and ask him do kill you, you reckon he would do it?

Love: What?! I thought you were… you know, witty. Haven’t you heard about it? You don’t simply goad Fear into killing someone; he’ll only do it on his own accord. And for your information, he tried to kill me several times before. But I'm afraid I'm such a strong opponent. I curse myself for being alive. But I couldn't help fighting back. Yes my other half was weak, but I am strong and I don’t know why. Not like I take steroids or anything. I do wish myself dead in all our previous battles, as you can see; I'm alive without a reason to live.

Wit: Ouh. I'm sorry about that.

Love: There were however some odd cases in the past, told by my ancestors that the other half were resurrected.

Wit: That sounds like a myth but do you believe in it?

Love: I don’t know. Do you think someone who doesn't fight to live deserved to be given another life. Such was my other half. I'm not convinced of those stories, but I do wish they were real and would by any chance happen again.

Wit: Nah! I won’t believe something as ridiculous as that. This talk is going nowhere, we haven’t got a solution.

Love: There is no solution. I will continue to exist and along with me is Sadness and Pain. She would have to deal with us for the rest of her life.

Wit: That’s unfair. Oh God, I’m at my end. I don’t know what to propose anymore.

Love: Nobody says I was fair.

Wit: I wish you death.

Love: Thank you, I wish the same for myself. 

Monday, November 26, 2012

Here comes, Another December

I need a vacation. 
I need to break away from all this never ending works and use up all my remaining annual and OT leaves which would be nullified as the new year start. Here, we are not compensated for our unused holidays. Such a shame.

I like to go to a far away place, where there's no expectation. A total foreign place where there's no one I know and see things I had never seen in my whole life. I'd like to fall in love with a new place, and perhaps with new people too. I have never been in love with a stranger, would it ever be a sweet thing to do? ahaha. Fall in love, with a total awareness in my mind that it would only last for a few days. No heartbroken afterwards, only sweet memories. 

However, I don't want to go Europe. Although, last year I only had a chance to visit a minor part of the vast British empire, I don't feel like going there again.Yes, I like to go to Venice, Paris and most of all Santorini. But those can wait. For now, if I could have a chance, I would prefer a more exotic place, some unique cultural rich place. I don't know where. Maybe some Arabs continent or perhaps China, Japan or Korea. I would go and explore new things, reawakening my curious mind, perhaps I'll learn to get close to animals like, hugging a panda. Perhaps I'll do a skydive and flying fox from the Great Wall.. Bring out my inner fox. haha. Or I could try on hanbok and kimono, see if I look like one of them. haha. Or maybe, instead I could join a humanitarian mission to Palestine or Syria and see the suffering, learn, help and be grateful with my life.

This is all hypothetical. This ain't Eat. Pray & Love story. I'm stuck in here. urgh.
There's no way I would have a chance to travel alone as I imagine. haih. 
Although deep down, my inner voice is saying, "Why not?"

I still remember that day we met in December.

I will love till the end of time.
I would wait a million years
Promise you'll remember that you're mine
Baby can you see through the tears?
Love you more than those bitches before.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Rambut Sama Hitam(?), Hati Jangan Hitam.

There is a huge different between rightfully fulfilling a task through the power/position given and fully but merely exercising power over a situation. Yes I am stating the obvious. Although, the one who commits the second often claims to be doing the former.

In the eighth month of my job, I was thrown in at the deep end.  I was assigned a rather difficult and complicated task.  But, Alhamdulillah, I'm not alone. I have a good mentor at the office.

Sometimes, what I like about my job is meeting people. Although, most of the times, it gives me headache. By virtue of meeting, knowing and learning about others, it tells how different we all are. How we all have our own eccentricities, that sometimes we don't even realise but seen through others' eyes. Many of us who seem to be working in the same field, going through pretty much the same routine, be at the same place, speak the same language can always have different intention, dreams and means of doing/achieving something. The nice and nasty moves, known only to oneself and Allah. 

I'm trying not to stereotype people based on the organisation they are working. I believe there is just as much hanky panky in the private sectors as much as in the government. Only, when you claim yourself to be working for the people, you by default open up yourself to be judged by all, the people. It is difficult, to turn a blind eye on something so obvious, like a row of officers lining up their helmets and handbags to book a turn to punch out their time card, or someone who snoozes and snores behind your back and only wakes up to accuse you of being spoon feed for asking him/her to be cooperative and responsible.

I am asking Allah to make me a responsible person. Perhaps someday, should I be given a position and power, I will do justice and fear The Day I shall be judged. Amen.

oh ya, semoga kita semua dijauhkan penyakit tak boleh tgk orang senang. atau dengan kata lain, dengki. tak kira jua di mana dan siapa diri kita. Amen.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I never miss school. 

But I miss the life as an RMIT student very much. I browsed through the contents of my Bintang, Bintang is my hard drive... and I found this photo. 

A photo of my friend and I doing site study for a project.

The friend in the photo is Mastura, she's expecting a baby at the end of this month. I haven't met her since she's pregnant. I can hardly imagine my petite friend with a bulging tummy, haaha.. I believe she's still very pretty anyway, as always. I kinda miss her too. Hey Mas, if you're reading this. I hope you and your baby stay healthy, take care and God bless.

 Life seems to be progressing quite fast somewhere else.

Mine is not that bad actually... and... and..  don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my working life. I'm learning so much in such a short period of time.

But it's just...something, some moments, some people in life, you  can never have back... no matter how hard you reminisce or even... try. 

Anyway, every ending is the beginning of another..

I'm full of hopes for another.....................

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

What if life were more like theatre?

Someone shared this video on twitter last night. well, to begin with, I'm touched when someone shares link of videos/blogs/story they enjoy directly to me, good things shared are twice as good and sharing is caring after all, although spam is not included. perhaps I'm just being sentimental. 

I love this anyways! So, thank you, someone. do tag more @kiambang. haha!

p/s: nak tengok teater, anyone?

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Tout le Monde - Everybody

I miss the luxury of not having to drive to get somewhere. We could decide to go to the beach on Sunday morning without worrying where to park the car. I could hop on a tram not worrying if I ever get lost because even if I did I'll just take another tram that goes in the opposite direction. I always get lost anyway. It doesn't scare me anymore. 

But here, in a country called home, things are a lot more confusing and frightening. 

I am learning to live, like a child learning to walk, every step is a struggle. Bless the child with supportive parents, holding her hand or at least waiting at the end ready to catch her should she fall. But, the child must learn to fall and get back up on her on. So the parents keep an eye and let her fall sometimes, otherwise she wouldn't learn.  yeah, that's more like it. But learning to live ain't  as simple as that, you can't expect your old man to be next to you when you stumble and fall. You must learn to walk and run and fly on your own, and if you fall you must not let them see. They've done enough for you, now must not let them worry. Every bruise and scratch should be properly covered. Life is a solitary battle. 

Solitary, does it make us fell lonely? I miss my solo strolling on a depressing day. I miss walking alone in the park or visiting gallery or eating in the mall, alone, without appearing socially awkward. I miss doing things my way without getting judged all the time. Ignorance is bliss they say, it is more than that to me. Although, I don't have problem working in a group or hanging out with a bunch of people, I have to admit that I am not really a social creature. I like being alone, or going out only with a small group of people. I mostly enjoy a company of a single person who can tolerate spending hours at bookstore and not buying a single book, going in and out of clothing shops and not liking even one, always having the need to go to home decore/d.i.y store without having anything to buy and not knowing where to eat but have an eccentric description of what I feel like eating. hahaa. 

I've been listening to Carla Bruni lately and this song is on repeat when I am writing this. 

(English Translation)

Everybody is a strange person,
And everybody has a tangled soul,
Everybody has some humming childhood,
At the bottom of a forgotten pocket,
Everybody has pieces left of dreams,
And corners of destroyed life,
Everybody has sought something one day,
But everybody hasn't found it
But everybody hasn't found it.

Everybody would have to demand to the authorities,
A law against all our lonelyness,
That no one will ever be forgotten,
And that no one will ever be forgotten.

Everybody has a hell of a life going on,
But not everybody can remember it,
I can see some that fold it and even break it,
And I can see some that can't even see it,
And I can see some that can't even see it.

Everybody would have to demand to the authorities
A law against all our indifference,
That no one will ever be forgotten,
And that no one will ever be forgotten.

Everybody is a strange person,
And everybody has a tangled soul,
Everybody has some humming childhood,
At the bottom of a forgotten hour,
At the bottom of a forgotten hour...

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Quelqu'un m'a dit

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...

Mais qui est ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'était tard dans la nuit,
J'entend encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...

Que tu m'aimais encore, me l'a t'on vraiment dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, serais ce possible alors ?

On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos tristesses il s'en fait des manteaux,
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit que...

(English Translation)

It is said that our lives are worthless.
They pass in an instant like the roses wither.
It is said that time which whispers is a perversion for our griefs.
It make layers, still someone told me.

That you still love me,
Someone told me that you have lays love me.
Is that still possible?

It is said that destiny mocks us
That it promised everything and gives nothing
It seems that happiness is carried in the hand.
When you stretch the hand and find madness
Still someone told me...

But who told me that you love me?
I no longer remember, it was late at night.
I still hear the voice, but I no longer see the face.
"He loves you, it is a secret, he did not say that I should tell you.

You see, someone told me.
That you still love me, someone truly told me ...
That you still love me, is that possible?
It is said that our lives are worthless.
They pass in an instant like the roses wither.
It is said that time which whispers is perversion for our griefs.
The make layers but someone told me.
That from our sadness, layers are made;
Still someone told me...

*I wish I could speak French*

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Lache La Femme

Me, in loving memory. *lol*

Let's just be bold and honest.
Women got paid less in this industry and we have to work twice as hard. To do the work and to prove that we are worthy of the task and the consequences. We struggle to stand up to accusation that when we made a mistake, it is due to us being human, not because we carry womb in our stomach resulting in the reduction of our brain capability in handling big tasks. Men make the same mistakes that we do, thus, we deserve the chances as much as they do.

Queen Elizabeth never married.

We are, God-made emotional creatures. but that comes in a package, He made us excellent in multi-tasking. Don't worry about our emotion, whatever emotional turmoil befalls us, we'll get the work done. 

There's a beginning to everything in this world. The first moment, the earliest experience in life of doing something major can be nerve wrecking to just anyone, men or women, young or old. To a young and inexperienced woman, she might need to use up every bit of her cell to fake a confident. We are aware of the norm that men don't normally have a high opinion of us, but we ain't giving up to that. 

"I am young, but I am willing to learn, and I mean to devote my life to the service of my country and my people. I look for your help in this. I know I shall not be disappointed. Thank you"
-Queen Victoria

*Feminist hat's on*

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Fisherman's Wife Rhyme

There was once a fisherman's wife, who always stood by the sea and sang...

"Row row row thine boat, 
safely at the sea,
till thou cometh back for me
I shall wait for thee"

They said the husband never returned, and she turned into a stone.

What a sad story. I said.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

A Thought or A Note

As I overheard their conversation, re-analyse their jokes, or the remarks they sometimes nonchalantly give in a circumstance I could have never expected, I know now, that there is wisdom in what is made obliged upon us women...

which is to cover, what should be covered.

ladies, dress decently.

Monday, September 3, 2012

On Relationship and The Things That Come With It.

Last Saturday,
There are a few things that have been troubling my mind lately. In attempt to get out of my troublesome feelings, I went out to a book store in a quest for a good book. I was halfway through reading Tess of D'Urbavilles, a tragic love story that eats up so much emotion in reading it, thus I decided to look for something more philosophical or poetic, or something on the other side of romanticism. But the opposite happened...

The Relationship Books.
urgh, my bed sheet looks so ugly in this photo

After scavenging hither and thither around the store, I couldn't find a single book that suits my early preference and I settled for the least expected book, although the book has long been in my to-be-read list, I do not have a plan to read it so soon. But somehow, I bought it. I actually bought a combo pack, one is Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus and the other one is Mars and Venus staring over. 

I've heard about the book so long ago, became quite interested but somehow remain skeptical on the contents albeit all the good reviews I read about it.

The book has really shed a new light in understanding not just male species, but my own as well. for example, one thing that strikes me the most is on how men and women cope with stress/problems differently.

Not so long ago, a friend has said to me that when he's upset or stressed out, he prefers to be left alone to 'cool off'. he'll be fine afterwards. I thought, 'hey. taking time to cool off seems like a good practice, it gives you time to contemplate and avoid saying anything irrevocable'. 

Thence on, I've been trying to do the same. I thought it was merely a personal preference rather than something to do with gender differences, it seems to me like the most rational thing to do so perhaps I could copy. Although sometimes it does work but most of the time, I found out, no matter how long I take the time to 'cool off' and assure myself that I'm really okay afterwards, I never really felt so. instead I came out resentful, the problem that bothered me became an unresolved feeling although I was no longer thinking of it, it bore a tendency to surface in an aggresive way at the most inappropriate time resulting something more damaging. Instead of really 'cooling off', all the suppressed negative feelings jumbled up and became a resentment.  In the book it tells how women by nature talk things out. Women most of the time do the thinking through the talking, that is how we 'cool off', although this is rather general and might not apply to every woman  in the world but in my case, I think it's rather true. When I talk things out, I do feel so much relieved although the thing that bothers me might still be there. 

Listening to a woman even without giving out solution to her problem is offering a support she needs. The book talks on this at length on how men often jump up to giving solution to quickly and it is not the best thing to do. Although you guys might not feel like helping by just listening, but to her, you've become a great help in unburdening her trouble heart. A women is halfway in love if you listen to her attentively. haha. Ah, read the book, guys!

Anyways, there is so much in the book that I cannot summarize here and I hope I'm not giving a wrong idea that the book is mainly on understanding women. It also says equally at length on men. How you guys like to go to your cave.. haha! So ladies, we've got so much to learn, don't seek to be understood, we must learn to understand as well.

Either you are in a relationship or not, I seriously recommend the book, and if you are soon to be married, it is the best book you could pick up in between the spare time of deciding on your dulang hantaran. I cannot say that I now fully understand and would make a good partner for having read the book, 98% of the things I read remain just a sensible theory inside my head and only 2% that I can now try to put into practice (that's from chapter 11). The rest of the chapter would require me to have 'someone' or in any other word, would require me to be in a 'relationship' to put it into actions. haha! 

On Marriage

I finished the books with mixed emotions. Part of me is grateful that I have read the book before getting married, although as I said it does not confirm me into being a perfect or understanding life partner, it does give an insight of men in general and highlights all the challenges I might be facing if I ever to live with one as man and wife. Therefore, other than preparing myself on understanding the science of marriage in Islamic perspective (fiqh munakahat), I should learn the art of it as well. However the rest of me beginning to doubt my readiness and ability in getting involved in it. This isn't what you are supposed to get after reading a self-help book. It seems rather counter-productive, but to me, as I look on the bright side, doubting my own ability can also be a good encouragement to improve oneself in many aspects. 

Not so long ago, for some reasons, I had wished I would marry early. ahaha. Nowadays, as one by one of my girlfriends is leaving the market, or when sometimes mum jokingly calls me 'anak dara tua', I do wish some good man comes along to sweep me off my feet and gentlemanly ask for my hands. The thoughts however normally does not last longer than a brief passing moments in treading the age of two and five. I say to myself sometimes, Khadijah married at the age of 40s (according to some narration) yet she got the best of the best men in the world. So why worry? When the time comes, and if it shall happen according to His decreed, it shall happen. He knows best.

On Maturity.

Although wisdom does not comes with age, one does not gain it overnight either. Life is a continuous learning process, with it requires us to age... and as we age, the child inside us never really go away. There's a little girl in me who throws tantrum once in a blue moon I know. It is not about being not really a girl but not yet a woman. It's about admitting the coexistence of both. As the saying goes, "In every man, there's a child hidden that wants to play". We age and grow wise at different rate. We are no robots programmed to undergo uniform life cycle through out our lives. My life might not pan out as I had planned or like any other of you who could've inspired me, although sometimes I question why things happened the way it did, and I rarely able to fully comprehend every eventful experience in my life, I know that I have learned something out of it. To me, maturing is not just in the ability to be involved in 'big things'  which we never care when we were little like politics or economy, but also in being able to perceive things that had long concerned us in different ways, like loving your parents, the color of the sun or the amount of sweets you can take daily. All that I know of, we must continue to do what we think is best for us,  put the best effort and fight for it and pray lots and lots. Indeed, He is The Oft-Giving. Same goes to the idea of marriage, I will do what I could now and truly ask Allah for it. Afterall, kita kena berusaha, kan? Rezeki, sama jugak jodoh tak datang bergolek.

On Love (FAQ)
Here's the thing, people sometimes asked, if you were to get married what kind of person do you like? Other than being god-fearing and other typical things I do not wish to write up here, there's always one thing I always wish for...

Here's Sir Walter Raleigh's quote from the movie Elizabeth the Golden Age. 

"I think it must be hard for so great a Queen to know the simple pleasure of being liked for herself..."

Although the queen initially sort of scorned what he had said, but later in her privacy, she repeated the words to herself showing how much the words had affected her. Indeed, I am no queen, no throne not much money, not a great beauty, and simply just a plain village girl... I do still wish and ask Allah, to send me the one who likes me for just myself  for we couldn't see what's hidden in a heart and the reason and true intention in someone's action. I like to be liked for myself, to be accepted as plain as I am with every impediment that comes with me, and that would be such a great appreciation.

Okay. haha. what a super long post. Should any of you read it from top to here, I really appreciate your time. Thank you so much for reading.  Again, I recommend the book and I ask Allah to give us the best partner in life who'll fight for love that lasts till paradise. To newly wed or friends getting married, barakallah and may Allah make easy for you.

Allah knows best. :)

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Yusoof and Me (part 02)

Although I believe my blog isn't a tv series which everyone can't miss and impatiently wait for every next new episode and most of you readers, (if they were any) might only read this blog by accident or perhaps in circumstance when there ain't any other things to read, I still feel obliged to write what I said I would do in the previous post.

I believe, for every muslim out there, who still believes in this religion, or for just anyone who behold onto a religion, there is a soft spot for God's words. 

Yusoof is a consolation for a number of reasons. here's a few of the obvious ones. 

1. The story, is easy to remember. Out of the many surahs in the quran, surah Yusoof as far as I knew is the only surah (correct me if I'm wrong) that tells a single story from the very beginning till the end. . Thus, it makes the whole story easy to understand and remember especially for those who struggle to learn arabic like me. When you understand something, it draws you closer or further from it, and in my case, alhamdulillah. It makes me fond of it. Thus, when the surah is recited, I get excited. I'll be like "oh yeah, I know this surah!"

2. Jealousy exists, even in the household of a prophet. Remember how the brothers plotted against their father, prophet Yacoob to 'get rid' of Yusoof because they were jealous of the immense love the father had for him. It ain't about, it's 'normal' to be jealous of something, it is a reminder of how jealousy is such a powerful devil's weapon. and I admit how in life, I or maybe you too readers are often tested with this matter. I admit how my poor soul sometimes lost in this negativity, the story serves a good reminder that we must fight against the ill feeling of jealousy, admit the struggle and strive through and through.

3. Familiar with the word "fasabrun jamil" = the beautiful patience? (12:18) that was prophet Yacoob's words when he received the news of Yusoof killed by the wolves and knew it was a lie but he couldn't do anything about it. What else did he say> "wallahu musta'an..." Allah is the helper. To me, there is a divine power in the verse. We were taught to often istighfar lots and lots, but many times, I find when I'm feeling low and lost, other than istighfar alone, saying Allahu musta'an, calms me. In case any of you see me in distress, or maybe I forgot as a person always does... please do remind me, Allahu musta'an. please do.

4. Temptation. "Indeed the prison is dearer to me..." (12:33) Yusoof famous words. Life presents to us two sides of nearly everything, the good and the bad. Such is good look or knowledge or wealth or exciting family background etc etc that might make us attractive or attract us toward it. Living in this age of technology and intermixing of good and evils into the canvas of life,it is hard to distinguish one from another. Everything is just grey. I admit it. Especially if you're a youth, our test is greater, eg, for girls, look at the simplest thing, how often do you feel inclined into trying the latest hijjab fashion which might not serve the purpose of hijjab. How often do you wish, the person you are attracted to, to response with words of love and desires? How often do you try to compete in the never ending beauty league between you and your devilish desire when it brings no good but harms? I'm writing from a female perspective and it goes to me most of all. yes, to me most of all. remind me of this too, shall I forget. He is Yusoof, known for his beauty, desired by a beautiful and the powerful woman of his era, not just any woman. yet, the prison is dearer to him. 

5. Make the best of every moment. What did Yusoof do in the prison? Did he weep all the way through till the day he was released? No, he spread da'wah. And the best da'wah starts by giving out a good example. and it is the most difficult too. for most things are easily said than done.

6. As the Islamic scholars had always advised that we must not desire for a position of power, and it is indeed the best for our heart, Yusoof sets an example of an opposite circumstance, given we possess a useful skill and know that no one else can do a better job than us, we should appoint ourself into the position.    Thus, it reminds me, should I want to be a great and successful person in my career especially, I must not desire for the position, eg: to be the boss, yet, must strive for the excellency of the skills and knowledge which by nature and rules, would qualify me to be a leader. An excellent motivation for self improvement that benefits not just yourself but inshaAllah, everyone around you.

7. Happy Ending. The story of Yusoof is one those story that consoles me in hardships due to its happy ending. Indeed the greatest happy ending is in hereafter, but Allah knows his creations too well that he tells a story like this, that even in this world, there is hope to the believers. Yusoof eventually held a good position, saved a country, taught his 'naughty' brothers a good lesson and rekindled with his parents. To me, it's just beautiful.

I wrote this, for myself... who often forgets, and I am sharing it with your readers, hoping it'll do good and, should I forget, you can remind the forgetful me. 
Dear readers,

I hope it's not too late to wish everyone
Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, 
maaf zahir batin

taqabalallahu minna waminkum solehul a'mal.
kullu 'am wa antum bkhir. ;)

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Yusoof and Me (part 01)

I had long favour the Yusoof more than the other, and I ask Allah to pardon me for that. 

For a person, who has only basic knowledge of Arabic, I rely a lot in the tafseer to understand the general meaning of the ayahs in the Quran. I am not a hafizah, like most of you or maybe worse, I find memorising quran is a real challenge. It was easier as a child. I remember memorising surah Al-A'la just by listening to my dad reciting it quite frequently in solah al-maghrib. 

There was a phase of my life which I had dedicated to listening to the audio of tafseer, sometimes while doing work etc, I regret it didn't become a habit. But alhamdulillah, it had got me the interest of reading the meaning of the quran, instead just reciting the ayahs. You know what I mean, if you're not an arabic speaker like me. This article is a perfect read. It is what I put into practice every Ramadhan, when I should be doing that all year round. such a shame!. I wish I had been more determined.

I love, Surah Yusoof.

The other night in taraweeh, the imam recited it beautifully, and I just can't help but for the first time in this Ramadhan I felt excited while praying. I most of the time, failed to understand arabic, it is hard to stay focus in a normal salah, let alone the long ones, it adds to the frustration when the imam is crying while reciting and I can't catch a word. 

I like to share the reason of liking Surah Yusuuf. It got to be more than the fact that Yusuuf was a handsome prophet ;p

But I stop at here for now.

I'll write again maybe tonight, inshaAllah.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

The H Sickness

Assalamualaikum readers,
It's the eighth day of Ramadhan today, how is everyone so far. I wish you all a blessing month and most of all I wish Allah make it light for our body to maximize our ibadah as our heart remains straight on the intention to please Him.

My dear readers,
How does that feel if you were accused for a crime you did not commit? Will you be mad for the wrong claim made against you? how about vice versa? as in... if you were assumed to be a very good (or should I say pious) person when you know at the very deep of your heart, that you struggle to become that very person, and your are just not there yet?

Would you stand adamant for false flattering comments? or would you say thank you and act accordingly? What is the benchmark of hypocrisy?

I sometimes choose to say thank you in respect to other's opinion especially the people I've just met. But it often leaves me with a never ending guilt. It ain't their fault. but it scares me.

The only solution I could figure out is, I just need to become a better person, so the next time someone makes a good claim about me, it won't be a lie. inshaAllah

May Allah save me and us all from hypocrisy. Amen.

Friday, July 6, 2012

L is for Lumion

I had never been good at realistic rendering, thus, for the past five years of study I always opted out for a rather fancy and surreal representation of my work, such is my final year project, The Tamed Giant was presented in a comic style! 

However, very recently, a fellow architect at the office had introduced me to this awesome software called Lumion, I was really fascinated at the quality of images it produces, and most of all the animated elements in it, like the rippling water, the swimming fish, the flying birds, the sun that rises and the people that move, more like shuffling, but hey... it's just too awesome and seemed way more handy than Maya and 3DMax. So I bugged him day in day out to install it on my computer, so he did. I had previously mentioned that Lumion comes in rather handy in comparable to those two epic software. But I like to make a point that based on my little knowledge and experiences with Maya and 3DMax, Lumion is a lot easier to learn for it serves merely for producing scenic representations and fly through animation, well, you could do a dynamic animation like weather or seasonal change with flying birds and what nots, but the object (say a building) remains static. Unlike it's two aforementioned buddies that can do so much more. You can't do collapsing or exploding building in Lumion, you can't make the building walks, while in Maya or 3ds, you could, if you are skilled enough. 

What I like more about Lumion is it doesn't just save me hours after hours that I normally spend on rendering, it also saves the Photoshop process. Lumion has a selection of background/landscape which can be altered to suit your object/building. 

So, I like to put up some images I produced in the process of learning the software. Bear in mind, I'm a newbie and these images depict how far a basic skill can get you. I got a hand in the software last week but only yesterday and today between the free hours at the office that I got to play around with it. 

(click on the photo for a better view)

I built a mosque in Antartica. Opss, they don't have trees up there, do they?

A night view of a bungalow I designed. 

Disclaimer: I don't designed the houses. I just used the 3D models for a little experiment.

For those who had been doing 3D rendering all their life, these images might be nothing, but the fact that they were produced in average less than  20 minutes each from a basic sketchup model without having to go through pixel rendering is truly awesome to me.

Oh, by the by,I had attempted to save a fly through animation, so I can show how beautiful the water, and flying birds. but it seems to be taking too long. by too long I mean, almost an hour. ahaha. but yeah, at the office, you don't  get the whole day to play around. So, perhaps next time then. If there is a next time. ahaha.

I get this adrenalin rush every time I learned a new software. It makes me kinda hyper in a way, and perhaps happy too. Ok, let's go shopping. Ops! *grin* 

Monday, June 18, 2012

I'll go down with youuuu~

Not so long ago, a friend has introduced me to this song. Stumbled upon it again today while randomly clicking on youtube. Kinda lifted my dispirited mood. Thanks Katie, and thank you friend. :) 

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Isit Just Me?


I guess that's how it seems to them. Well, there are 'common' things I don't know, or never heard of, thus when asked, I look rather stunned.

Who the hell knows what 'demam kepialu' is?!

okay, at least there's someone else here who didn't know it as well and went googling for it. well, it's just good to know that I am not alone.

cheers ;)

A Rich Girl. Not.

I have never really been a fan of big brands. Mostly because I can't afford it, and, maybe it's due to me being quite a cheapskate when it comes to buying certain things. My impulse buying betrays me sometimes, although most of the times, I'm rather  fussy with my choice, and very often on quality and appearance rather than brands. 

However, I rather go for a brand-less or a more affordable brand than using the fake ones, be it handbags, shoes, clothing, electronic devices etc, no matter how close the item resembles the originals. There are plenty of them, all sort of brands, Louie Vuitton, Ferragamo, Chanel, Beats by Dr. Drei (<--- recently found in a shop close to my office) and here in Malaysia, all the fake ones are sold everywhere even in a big supermarket. As per say, I rather wear Asadi than fake Adidas. Or carry a handbag from Nose than a faux Coach. Same goes to Converted Mitsubishi Lancer, which originally was Proton Inspira. 

I don't know what makes others buy it. But when asked to come along to stores that sell those things or even just to browse through, I find it difficult not to give condescending remarks about all those products. Thus, I prefer not to tag along, especially when I am with those who often... "looks! it's Gucci, who cares if its fake, it looks real" =.=

Ok, I made up the dialogue, but usually it's something along the line.

This is not a call to succumb to capitalism by always aiming to buy the original hi end brands. I think, now that I'm working, money seems to carry different value and there should be some dignity in consumerism. We need to embrace the reality, of things we can't afford to have, of our true life standard. Using a brand-less item doesn't make you less of a person, a fake one kinda does. People can actually notice you know. Have some respect for your money.

Apparently, albeit my Chinese blood, I'm not ready to live in China.

Oh btw, speaking of money, out of all people I've talked about it, only one person who has so far reminded me to give charity. To you, thank you. I wish to always be reminded of that.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Teeth Gone Wired #3

Teeth have been making significant improvement. It's exciting to see. I have to say that all my upper front teeth are now aligned, my protruding incisor has nestled almost perfectly into the gap where a premolar was extracted. The whole set are now needed to be shifted to the right to close another gap and centralise the whole bunch. My bottom teeth seem to move a bit slower than the upper set resulting my two front teeth to stuck out a bit, making a bottom overbite. I hate to see my lower lips jutting out, not so much though, people don't seem to notice or don't even care to notice this minor change of my lips, I tuck in my bottom lip sometimes, like a fat person with pooch belly tucking his tummy to appear slim.. haha... anyway, this would be temporary. InshaAllah.

The orthodontist has placed some funny thing across my bottom brackets, it hurts so much for a few days, almost a week. Its like the first week of having the braces on, the pain has resided now. Here's a picture of the funny thing in my bottom bracket. I forgot to ask the orthodontist what it's called, I shall ask in our next appointment. 

See that white thingy on my bottom teeth. Its like rubber or maybe some elastic plastic. I don't know.

Oh yeah, I forgot, at every appointment, the orthodontist will remove the arch wire, examine the progress of your teeth, and sometimes she will apply a different size arch wire. I suppose, the thicker the wire the higher the pressure... and as you readers might have thought, it can make you teeth ache until they have gotten used to new pressure. So the other day, my ortho has applied a really fat wire to my upper teeth. It is said, albeit the pressure, thicker wire is applied more to refinement rather than for alignment for the pressure is somehow too much to move the teeth. I don't know to what extent its true, I might have read it somewhere. But the fact that the ortho applied it after my teeth have pretty much aligned kinda fit in the whole story. haha. OK peeps, that's all for now.

Regardless the pain and money. I think seeing the progress makes the whole process feels worth it. *wide smile*

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Meeting Suppliers

I like meeting suppliers, how they often try their best to convince me they got the best in their line of production. I like the way they look confidently into my eyes hiding their indignant of the doubtful air echoing in my every inquiry. I like the persuasiveness in the tone of their voice, how they get defensive sometimes to the extent they slyly yet professionally belittle other comparable products that I've never heard of. I like the cheerfulness in their smile, albeit for my faux admiration which I habitually give...and I'm getting better at it. I know that they know, the decision is still mine. That I can choose not to use their products regardless what the say and they are competing with other suppliers I might have met before who had probably won me. But they try their best still. 

All in all, I just simply enjoy learning of new products and meeting enthusiastic people who have firm believe in what they are doing or at least that's how they seemed. and most of all, I like being persuaded. ;)

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


I wore a knee length plain fuchsia dress, a pair of black pants and a floral head scarf. I guess, I appeared a bit made-up for I had an interview on that day.

I was walking toward Surau at R&R Tapah when two guys sitting on the kerb muttered something to me. I couldn't really register their words until I walked a few steps passed them. It was something between whistling and flattering, then I realized it was nothing serious but the playful remarks a lady often gets especially she's walking alone.

I got that sometimes. Not very often, but sometimes and it has been many times. I believe many of you have experienced something similar... and it could be worse. If I were to rate the above scenario on a scale of 1-10. I'll give it  1. or maybe 1.5. Imagine 10.

What makes they do that to us? what makes us so vulnerable to men that they think they could freely harass us on the street? Is that in the way we dress, the way we walk or the way we look or the way we never look at them. 

It baffles me that most who do this ain't just youngsters. Funny that we have them in our society when many of our men are so bashful when we need them to speak up for a good course.

Guys, we are no animals. We don't whistle at each other for no reason. 

*Feminist hat's on*

Sunday, April 22, 2012


I might be having a little change of heart. 

Indeed Allah knows best, thus we pray to him for the best.

He knows.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I was A Warrior

I was told to be blessed, for this silk frolic scarlet dress, not everyone has. They said, it suits me best. Like no other dress, perhaps this is really the best looking dress among all the ancient dresses you could find in my broken wooden chest.

What I never told you. I was a warrior before. My feet are here but my heart remains in the war... and no dress gives me comfort like the steel vest I used to wear... and nothing makes me feel secure like the rusted helmet in my kept-life. 

I wish for no luxury, I yearn for days with swords and archery. 

I haven't written my story. Don't try to chain me into this palace of disgrace. Of me, being a lady and must remain within the life of celibacy, abstained from challenge and mystery? Enough.

There is no harmony in the song you sing for me. I wish for nothing but to remain a warrior in this dried soil of reality. 

and no one knows best, but He.

The heck was the above writing? ahaha. I was called out for a mandatory interview for an unwanted program. There goes my inner voice blaspheming on the event. haha. Wish for what is best. Ameen. ;)

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

One day at a time.

One sad evening, I made a wish to be a florist.

When was that sad evening, it is not now of course, but perhaps just now. It rained beautifully, it is raining still. You know how in the movie, it has to pour to make a scene dramatic. Oh, that is! perhaps, I am just being dramatic, there is no sadness after all. Just a normal evening, the sun is just leaving, and the moon is idly rising. I'm sure they blew each other a kiss twice a day. At dawn, and just about now... at dusk. Oh dear, what a faithful couple but never would be together.

It's good to be home around these hours, especially after days of working around the clock. The clock should learn to work around us. Why must we go about complying to something we invented. Stupid head, it is not the  clock you're abiding, it's the time. Ouh yeaaah! there goes my little voice. She is a lot cleverer sometimes, talks too much though, especially when I am quiet.

Words to me could be like gasses sometimes. Have you ever tried holding your fart? Say in a public space... or are you a kind of fart-and-leave person? eeeew! Okay, here's what I am trying to say. I hate buckling all my feelings down, it hurts... but it is apart of being an adult that you must learn to not to say everything. It all will eventually go away. Or sometimes, they turn into something else, like a... uhm.. a blog post. ahaha.

Hey, you know that sometimes when I have to come home later than 12 midnight, I get worried of turning ugly. Somebody is still stuck in the childhood it seems. ahaha. Na ah, It's just fun playing some silly games such as that in your head. Make believe of something that wasn't true. Like believing the person who says he cares for the environment really gives a damn about it. You see, sometimes people just say thing that they think is the right thing to say or what people want to hear when truth is; the opposite. 

And people, don't look down on Pluto. A friend recently shared a song he wrote/sang about pluto which subsequently reminded me of a cinematic documentary of the planet which I watched in Melbourne Scienceworks few months ago. God I miss Melbourne. My firends, just because someone else is smaller, dimmer, younger or perhaps far from you... doesn't mean he/she is not affected and can always be forgiving of everything you, do or say to her/him. Maybe pluto isn't a planet after all. But it's oval orbit makes the whole lot of solar system very interesting...and what I like most about pluto is, it is independent. It circulates the sun in oval like a boss. ahaha. 

It is dark now. Day by day passes just like that. So, this is how we grow old. 

Be happy. Maybe someday I can still be a florist. Cheers =)

Friday, March 30, 2012

Of Forgiveness and Offences.

A crime in the eyes of law is a pleasure in the heart of a hooligan. oh well, maybe she/he isn't really a hooligan... maybe he/she is just a desperado. A desperado cherishes everything, for he got nothing.

Dear people, I have a curiosity. or to be exact, something I wish to learn. Should there be a manual, I'll throw an investment onto it... and there is no law, no hooligan no desperado.

Only a heart seeking to understand...

How do you forgive an offence that is about to be committed against you, knowing that you would never be able to forget it? Should anyone reading this have any idea on how to do it. Prey tell, for I've been trying my heart out... just, to understand why should there be a forgiveness at the first place when there wasn't an apology.

Maybe there was... an apology.

Saying "sorry" sometimes is just a custom. Like, "I'm sorry sir, you stink!" That's not a real apology. It's just a 'proper' way of telling a hurtful truth. Perhaps, sometimes you could sense a tinge of sympathy in such revelation. But very often, in the aforementioned situation, I believe the concern is the nose of the person disclosing the truth. Poor stinky man, you stink!

Hang on. This is a different story all together. Take this, would you let anyone trample on your beautifully blooming garden with a promise that things will grow back as usual. How usual is usual and how long do you think all the lavender and roses would take to grow and bloom. one whole year maybe? maybe you would have to wait for the next spring... and maybe it's a forthcoming spring of a distant future, a spring of a year prior to the summer which you disappear. Even the thought of trampling on someone's garden is unforgivable. 

Ah! here's a complicated heart bickering against a rational mind. Be forgiving, they say. Yes, sure. Yes, will do. I guess what it really takes is a blatant devotion. This is when my second thoughts get loud. 

There is no law no hooligan no desperado.
Only a heart seeking to understand and to be understood.

chewaaah. ahahaa.

Bitterness shall end here. Thank you for reading, and sorry for wasting your time.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A Pavement Talk

Honey, tread wisely, there is a crack in the pavement. or there was. 

Remember, there was a tsunami, it hit this place when we were sleeping and how we woke up at different places. It took mountains and oceans for us to find one another. It was long long long time ago. Perhaps a thousand years from yesterday. and yesterday was...oh how I could not remember, or I wished to never remember. 

Honey, tread wisely, there is a crack in the pavement. or there was.

Hairline crack does not widen, its merely a hair line, they say. you cannot see from a distance... like a white hair blackened, its hidden. you could dye or you could lie. It's okay, we'll get a specialist to fix it. Have faith. It could never be perfect, but could always be fixed. They say, we must learn to bend without getting broken. Have faith.

Honey, tread wisely...

...we are in no hurry. 

Some days, like yesterday, the sun shone so brightly like diamonds in heaven... our feet barely touched the ground. Who cares what happened to the pavement. But honey, on days like today of yesterdays, it rained. Tread wisely, our feet were slippery. Like many rainy days before, we prayed in silence and walked with caution, for there is or there was, a crack in the pavement.

Honey, have faith. Let knees be broken, or feet get swollen... but we would never let the crack gets widen.

This is our road to heaven. 

Promise me, we'll tread wisely for there is... or there was...........

Sunday, March 18, 2012

A Letter to Asriah

Dear a sixteen year old Asriah, 

How are you doing? How is school. I believe moving to a new a school ain’t easy. Everyone treats you like a junior even though you are now in form four. I know you won’t listen to me, but the guy who keeps sending you letter would bring you no good. Keep your head in its place. Ignore all the silly signals from the opposite sex. They are only approaching maturity you see, ah and so are you, I forgot. 

Oh yeah, let me introduce my dear self to you. Yes, I am dear to you indeed. I am your 25 years old self. Almost 25 really. As you might have guessed it’s year 2012. March 18th. So it’s still months away to our birthday. 

Things would change the way you never imagine, except for your size. Petite as ever, that’s your fate my dear. You can still fit in the exact baju kurung you’re now probably wearing. Unless you change your eating habit, I don’t know if it’d help though. You know that one student they often say bears a great resemblance to you, you despise it so much for you dislike to be associate with anyone. Have you seen how he looks like btw? I can’t quite recall when you would eventually see him. Anyway, I prefer not to tell of him, yet.. so you won’t anticipate anything. So yeah, at the age 25 you’d realize life can be quite funny sometimes, that dreams can come true, so do nightmares. You’ll meet many interesting people, trust me. So I remind you not to sell your trust and fall in love just yet. I know you won’t, just saying out of responsibility, you see. There are things that’s still the same though, other than your size, Palestine is still under the occupation of Israel. US is still as powerful as ever, and Saddam had died btw, ah, don’t tell mak just yet. She’d know eventually. 

Here is the reason I am writing to you. I am glad to inform you that the dream that you once had in your head full of doubts, has now come true. You are an architect. Unbelievable I know. Remember, last year, your last year of course, how would you remember my last year when you haven’t been there yet? Yeah, when you were building a straw tower or some sort, a thought crossed your mind, that lead you into choosing this path? The thought about becoming an architect. Hey, you did it. I mean, you will eventually did it? The sentence doesn’t make sense, does it, but you get what I am saying, do you? 

All the matters in your life seem to fall into its place, slowly they do. Just to give a realistic insight, you are not earning that much just yet. I have just started working over a month ago. But at this point, life feels if not fabulous, I would say full of gratitude, good. Alhamdulillah. 

Enough for now. See if I would write to you again. Don’t hope for it though, I’m sorry to tell you that I rarely miss you, or ever wish to turn back time and become you again.. Take good care of yourself. Don’t take too much sugar and drink more milk. Play in the sun sometimes, for in three years time you’re gonna miss it… 

You would grow up well. So Be happy and grateful, Asriah.

It would sound narcissist if I say I love you. I love you anyway. ;p

The 25 yr old Asriah.