Thursday, April 21, 2011

I felt bitter. Hence, I wrote this.


He woke up in the morning and complaint how cold the weather is. His breakfast tasted bitter as he savored it along morning news on the newspaper and ipad. He cursed on the news, sent multiple tweets and facebook statuses speaking bad of the corrupt government and their stupid acts and the opposition coalition parties that never really win.

“O man, ain’t the coffee sweet and the nasi goreng nice? It was your wife that cooked.”

He honked the yellow sport car that took over him from the left lane. He wished he had a better car to race up. He called him ‘bastard’. He forgot how his mum always reminded him not to call anyone as such. The traffic jam irked him. He cursed again. He turned on the radio, they were playing love songs. He loathed love songs. It reminded him of his ex girlfriend who married a better looking and richer guy. He hated her. He hated love, but he too is married.

“your eyes never lie, your wife too, is pretty… neither that your ears, the songs sound good, aren’t they….the weather is nice and the road isn’t so bumpy this morning”

It was one of those morning when the boss came in late. He envied him. He envied how the boss always had the best. The best table, the best chair, the best meal, the best respect. He wanted it all. He knew, he won’t have those any soon. He barely able to pay his rent and bills. He resented the boss albeit he was working for him.

“But you do have a job, don’t you? This job is better that your previous ones. You’re earning more than your wife used to. The long intimidating aspect of your marriage”

He was about to unpack the ‘bekal’ his wife made him when one of his colleagues asked if he would like to join them for lunch at Chillis. He looked at the cold rice, fried chicken liver sambal and steamed veggie. He remembered how he had four full plates of rice the first time he tasted his wife sambal. That was two years ago, when they had just got married. He tossed the bekal to the side, grabbed his car keys and joined his colleagues.

“It is sweet that you remember the moment… but you may have forgotten that you said she made the best sambal in the world, you told her you would never get bored of her cooking”

He rushed to the door as the clock stroke 6. The sky was muddy. He knew it was going to rain but he prayed the clouds would hold their tears until he’s home. He didn’t want to get stuck in the traffic like it always happened when it rained. His prayer was answered.

“You used to think rainy days were romantics. You used to say it’s a blessing from God. When you were little, you ran around naked, feeling the rain”

His wife greeted him at the gate with a smile. He handed her his case. Silent. He regretted forcing her to quit her job. She was an architect. He hated how she roamed freely meeting clients and engineers. He hated that there were many men in her profession. He thought he would be happy making bread for the two of them. Now he hated how she just ate the bread he made. Maybe he hated her too. Nevertheless, he couldn’t ask her to go back to work nor that he could set her free. He had a thing, called pride or in its fancy term; ego.

“You used to give her a peck on the cheek when you got home…and she dressed up for you, how can you not notice?”

Night came. He admitted the dinner was delicious. He thought compliment was unnecessary. He paid for those. He then laid on his bed, wishing the darkness would last longer. The wife on his side was missing him. He drifted to sleep with dreams of becoming a king who ruled many kingdoms but all his kingdoms had a tragic doom.

The next morning he never wakes up again.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Kepadamu Kekasih

In my dream, I wrote something as awakening as this.
beautifully sung.

I wish I really were that talented.

Still I wish that someday... 
I'll write something worth singing, worth listening, and weight a little good in hereafter.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Spoken into The Void

"Woman covered herself, she became a riddle to man, in order to implant in his heart the desire for the riddle's solution... It is an unnatural love. If it were natural, the woman would be able to approach the man naked. But the naked woman is unattractive to the man. She may be able to arouse a man's love, but not to keep it" Adolf Loos

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Romantisma Hujan Petang

Sepetang hari ini, seruang muka bumi Allah basah. seorang hamba telah larut dalam indah, romantisma hujan petang. 20 minit, daripada usianya yang mungkin hanya dua puluh lima, atau mungkin tiga puluh, atau empat puluh, atau sehingga esok senja berlalu begitu sahaja... menghirup aroma tanah basah dan merenung tarian dedaun manja dari jendela kamarnya. Hati sebenarnya rindu... pada suatu masa, pada ketika dahulu... di saat dia tahu ke mana harus berlabuhnya rasa agung itu. semakin hari seolah jauh... seolah menjauh... seolah jauh... menjauh... seolah jatuh.

Hujan masih tidak henti sekalipun langit diselimuti malam. seorang hamba masih mengenang sisa sisa usia ada. Mengapa begini dia lupa... mengapa jauh begini dia terbawa lara rajuk jiwa akan kekuatan rasa agung yang meruntun turun. mengapa dibiar rakus manusia menghina musnah rohani mulia yang pernah bertapak dalam dasar dada. mana pergi semuanya... mana pergi kekuatan yang bersemadi sekian lama menjadi intan... kini tidak bersinar kabur dan bentan. apakah kerana hadirnya suara memanggil berdansa irama asmara dia tidak bisa lagi berhenti menarik nafas seketika dan duduk jeda... untuk kembali mengenang... kembali menyedari, akan hakikat rasa agung yang termiliki.

Janganlah jangan hanyut... dengarlah dengarkan bicara sang hujan berpesan. janganlah jangan... terjatuh dalam angan. Hamba bermohon pada Tuhan, berilah kekuatan. Iman.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Pocopocoyoko Whatever

Ayah has been quite unwell for the last few weeks. He had diabetes blood sugar level of 19, resulted in some type of glaucoma.  For a person who has such a minimum awareness of scientific and health knowledge, I do feel a bit useless when it comes to this kind of situation. It's always frustrating when I couldn't get my head around a matter that gravely concerns me. Well, surely I can ask ain't that simple for me though, I always have a hard time understanding medical explanation due to my lack of such vocabulary. I need to educate myself a lot more when it comes to this. I should really do. (ok ok I'll go read about retinopathy after this...haha) Brother recently called, jokingly asked why didn't I come home to pay dad a visit. I wish I could. It adds to the frustration when you talked to almost every family member but neither of them could actually explain and clarify dad's condition. Maybe they were right, the family needs a doctor. anyone?. hahaa...

It's a similar kind of frustration but in a different sense that you get, witnessing Malaysian politics. You can tell how critical (read: dirty) the situation is, but you feel handicap and incapable of doing anything.  Worse, you can't quite comprehend the whole lot. You kinda have the conscience but it takes you no where. You kinda have the voice but it's not vocal. 

It gets a lot more frustrating seeing how things worsen before your eyes. Follow Malaysian news twitter accounts, then you get what I mean. The day DSAI sex video made to the news, my timeline was disgustingly filled with word 'sex'. Then the Kinabatangan MP sexist remark 'about women being the sex objects'.  Then the never ending case of TBH, the controversial witness Ashraf something caught 'bloody' red handed watching porno instead of monitoring Teoh. What's going on over there, people? How did our 'Islamic' country fall  into such perversion.

Also, the controversial Interlok novel. I thought it's over. I wish I've read the novel so I could really have an opinion about that. Anyway, I'm kinda with the idea that, if it's a part of your history no matter how bitter it was, you have to swallow it. At least, he didn't call 'your' ancestors apes. Darwin did. Nevertheless, a novel, or even theoretical and historical work can always have some misleading points. It's not a holy book after all. But why nobody makes a big fuss about the false story of Tariq bin Ziyad burning ships, written on a corner of  the form 5 history text book? 

I remember dad's remarks whenever I talk about history that I've learned at school, he would always go 

"Sejarah yg hampa belajar kat sekolah tu bukan betul sangat. Semua nak bagi nampak cerita hebat"

Back then, I always thought 'how could it be in the text book and taught at school if it wasn't true?' But as I read and hear more, I see the truth in dad's disagreement...same goes to many other aspects of life, especially when it comes to religious practice. you know, like some rituals that you've been practicing all your life in a way that 'ustazah-kata-macam-ni' but later you discovered that it is not what it was. hmm...

I guess it's the matter of knowing that you can't really trust anything in this world. No book has an absolute immunity from error unless it's the holy book.  It goes like the Chinese proverb; if you believe everything you read, don't read.

Haish... what a world to live in, perversion is ruining the county and the scholars are concerned about poco-poco. Bite me. 

Extra: Internet is everything today, I think CM Lim Guan Eng is clever, winning people's heart by installing free wi-fi all over Penang. hahaa...