Friday, September 7, 2007

LONELINESS

I am all alone in my apartment... but i know He is watching me... n His loyal angels are jotting down every single deed of mine.. hopefully this blogging thing ain't something bad... i need to keep on writing... this is, sort of self reminder.. cause, i might forget how i feel today, at this very moment..once i open my eyes tomorrow..if only..i do open my eyes, again... Somehow.. i really like being alone... i feel closer to Him... i become very needy, and i know He is there to suffice me... i feel really vulnerable, yet i know... i can always turn to Him... But...there are things at the back of my mind which..i try hard to forget... but it keeps coming back to me... especially, when I'm alone...my past... undoubtedly, it is really hard to get rid of the past...its not that i want to forget.. its just, i wish.. i don't think too much...its sort of unpleasant feelings...I'm haunted by my past..and its really hard to deal with...regret and repent never seemed enough... thinking about all the sins I've committed...i keep asking myself, why did i do such and such...say i was 'jahil'.. i don't think its an appropriate word..because... sometimes.. i really know such and such thing..it is 'haram'...it is a wrong deed.. yet still.. Ya Allah... i don't want to be amongst the wrongdoers anymore...i ask for Ur forgiveness... Forgive me O' Lord.. I wonder, how long do i still have before my journey in this world comes to the end??? do i have enough time to strengthen the piety in my heart??? do i have enough time to divert all my attentions n love toward this 'dunya' into the greatest love and submission to 'akhirat'..??? n do i have enough time to do good deeds and erase all the sins I've committed....??? do i??? do i???

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